Lovelife Advisor
Quite often people who are learning to come out of their shell are able to approach strangers in social settings and "open" or start a conversation, yet they have trouble staying in after five minutes or so. They regularly run out of things to say.
How do you fix this?
Often people become unconsciously devoted to the idea "win her approval!" in a way that makes the conversation boring for both of you. On the other hand, self-assurance (not arrogance) is defined by actor Brian Bates as "the strength to resist the need to be liked." This insight will help you.
If you find yourself making an effort to win her approval there are a couple of elements that establish a frame of mind where conversation becomes interesting and completely natural:
Follow your interests. If you amuse yourself you will have a good time whether the girl is into you or not. Maybe you're interested in sports, so talk sports. If you want to hate on the club bouncers, hate on them. Hell if Bud Light is your idea of heaven, talk about the magic and mystery of piss-water beer. At the same time, let go of the need to have her be into it too in return. Instead let her decide if she's willing to accept your frame of reference and reward her for doing so by giving her appropriate physical and emotional attention and affection. Punish her by finding someone more interesting to talk to. As always, pursue your own interests but not at her expense-you abuse, attack, insult, or harm someone at your own risk.
Tease her. While abuse and attacks won't work, teasing and playful banter will. It's funny because teasing isn't really about anything, it just serves to demonstrate intimacy, familiarity, and comfort in the interaction. Notice something that she says or does, point it out, turn it around or imitate her mockingly. This is hard to calibrate because teasing can turn vicious if you're not careful, but once you master it, it works wonders.
Screen her as a prospective mate. Once you can talk about anything think about those things that would be relevant to the relationship you might want with this girl, whether it be a one night stand or marriage. When you complete an ideal mate profile to include: her looks, her personality, her social status, her spiritual/religious affiliations, and any deal breakers you might have. Your profile will make you aware of what you're looking for in another person and the topics of interest to you will follow naturally from this. If you're looking for a fellow adventure seeker you might ask, "What's the most exciting thing you've done outdoors?" This gives her an opportunity to impress you and exhibit coy sexual misinterpretation.
Create a fantasy with her. You create rapport and reinforce intimacy when you cross the boundary of conventional or fact-based conversation into the realm of imagination and fantasy. If the woman seems to be fun and creative I like to ask, "If you could be anywhere in the universe-and any-when, at any point in time-where would you be and when would you be there?" She usually has to think about it and she'll recall previous pleasant experiences. This gives me an opportunity to insert myself into her newly emerging fantasy as we talk about what we could do together if we went a thousand years into the future or to the dark side of the moon.
Focus on her interior qualities. Men often feel the need to demonstrate superiority or higher value in implicit or explicit terms. Bragging to impress compensates for fragile self-esteem and reveals a need for outside validation. People who have high self-confidence are most often modest, self-effacing, and irreverent regarding their accomplishments. Instead of talking about the impressive trappings of outside validation-like what you own, who you know, what your job title is-talk about things that satisfy you or make you happy. Women frequently like knowing what makes a person they find attractive tick...and conversely, they are often more attracted to men who are able to share what makes them tick.
As usual, if you make working on a clear and specific goal a priority you will improve that aspect of yourself. Go out with a buddy and use the "buddy system" or a coach to get the most from your in-field practice and set the specific goal of holding a woman's interest for ten minutes, getting her number, and following up with her quickly.
The more you realize things about yourself such as what interests you, what you want from life, what you expect from others, the more attractive you become.
Enjoy your lovelife. Until next time,
James (PsychoLogic)
TantraLogic Group
http://tantralogic.com
own your lovelife
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